What are mine?
Since I was little I remember being by myself in my room and making up scenes and conflicts, scenarios and I would act. I would play all sorts of roles. I lived in my mind many different lives, adventures, tragedies. I loved going somewhere else and dream up conversations, arguments, love declarations…yes, as a child I also watched way too much television which fed my little mind.
I grew up with certain voices, people, friends, family members who also whispered sweet negativity into my ear about me and my lack of abilities…in anything…everything.
I grew up as the sidekick to the prom queen, the mean girl, the talented star who always reminded me in not so direct ways that I wasn’t good enough; that I was maybe, perhaps adequate…and that was on a good day. I didn’t know anything else to know better and stand up for myself. I just believed it without a hiccup of a hesitation.
So I kept my dreams to sing and dance and act to myself and my room. Years later, early teen years a friend drove me to audition as a favor for her not to audition for the School Musical alone. I thought she was nuts and somehow (don’t know what possessed me) I agreed to do it. I…was…TERRIFIED! I didn’t know what I was doing.
Yes, in 4th and 5th grade I was a chorus member and ensemble dancer for Elementary productions but honestly I had forgotten those years ever happened. Middle School wasn’t good to me and by the first year of High School, no one knew still of my dreams.
Long story short, I auditioned the best I could and my drama-queen friend wasn’t cast in the Musical but…I was! That year changed everything for me. Someone out there told me I was good enough. I wasn’t the stereotypical Drama nerd who knew every Broadway Musical title, every famous monologue, every cliche audition piece, every showtune; proving of course that I am a “worthy” ac-tor.
Still, I fell in love with Theatre immediately. I had a taste and no one was gonna take that away from me…
Life…Life happened. Let’s just say I gave up 7 years ago believing for any chance to return to my first career love. I had to take different turns along the way and after every door seemed to close…or slam in my face, the logical next thought process was, “This just wasn’t meant to be…move on”.
Why do we want what we want? Why do we desire the dreams we do? What are the motives that drive them?
Here I am, about to be 30 and life made another few turns recently. I find myself needing to make new career choices and though it terrifies me I have to ask myself, “Do I still love and desire that which I thought with such assurance would be my career path by now”?
I dont know why it loaded side-ways but here is an excerpt from my High School yearbook in 2001…I found this 2 years ago it struck me. I had said those words.
“Everything I want to do in the future has to do with drama, and I want experience in the field. Also, when I first started drama, it changed my perspective on life.”
Some heavy words from a 17 year old.
Let’s talk about the Industry of Art…especially Acting-be it Theatre or Film. Most people I know or have heard about are motivated by “being famous”. Though money should be a major worry for me and the necessity of choosing something that…well…makes any, I am in no great or even small delusion that this career choice will give me that.
This may be juvenile and naive of me to think now but that’s how much I love it. I am not choosing to pursue this in order to become famous and rich. Sure, having a steady income would be lovely but I want to live doing something I love for a change. Be happy…perfectly content pursuing and being involved in something I genuinely enjoy for all of my days.
Everyone is dealt different cards, gifts, passions, likes, curiosities…mine just so happened to find themselves loving all things artistic. I must ask myself, “Is that not for a reason? If I was meant to cure cancer, wouldn’t science and medicine fascinate me?” Just as an example. This was the card I was dealt with and I think it’s time to stop running away from it.
It’s been YEARS since I’ve dabbled in this world. I have feared it’s too late. I’ve lost so many years. I’m starting all over again. What if I’m not as talented as I thought I could be? What if the passion is there, the pursuit and no opportunities present themselves? How will this affect the next five years of my life? Where do I see myself in five years?
So many questions, doubts, some insecurity…okay, a lot of insecurities. ::slightly grins:: Dreams…is it ever too late?
Everyone who I have confided in for advice have generally all said, “If you don’t at least try, you’ll never know…”
At some point I must tell myself to silence the negative voices of old, recognize they’re there…and silence them.
I need to take a leap and do my part. Believe that life couldn’t, wouldn’t, shouldn’t fill us with such passion and curiosity for something in particular for no reason at all. There must be some reason, big or small. Granted, life doesn’t owe us anything. Everything beautiful in this life is a gift. All you can hope for is to be able to participate and be in any way, a little bit a part of the beauty…and if we’re really lucky…leave some of it behind for others.
To be a part of something that means so much to you again. I had it once. A different genre, career and it was wonderful. That road though, has ended. It was for a season. I learned so much from it and perhaps it made me the person I am today, the person I need to be today, the person I’m still getting to know for the very purpose of this continuation of a chapter almost forgotten, placed on pause long long ago.
Is it too late? Dear God, I hope not…and that’s all I can do…Hope.
If there’s hope, then I can not throw in the towel before the adventure has truly begun.
Here’s to dreaming!